Please Enjoy #24
Optimized To Death
Well, well, well. Look who we have here. The Bitch Is Back. I’m trying to figure out some more empty platitudes to fill this intro with but that feels like enough. Thanks for sticking around. Maybe I’ll plop another one of these out before the end of the year but who knows. Anyway, I love you and I’m going to the UK soon so let me know if there’s anything I need to check out while I’m there. Especially vintage stores and vegan restaurants.
-Mike
As soon as I open my phone, I am assaulted with videos on how to become The Optimized Man. Some tanned and vascular stranger screams at me directly through the screen with the devilish glow of a ring light in his eyes. He always has all of the answers. How many hours of sleep I should be getting. How many grams of protein I should be eating. How much natural sunlight I should be receiving. How cold my shower should be. How important journaling is. How life changing doing ketamine and ayahuasca is as long as I have the correct guide. How the only thing more important than your physical health is your mental health (they say this one through gritted teeth because they don’t believe it.) It never ends.
Every second of your day must be accounted for. Take a break from your work spreadsheets to check in on your personal spreadsheets. Your life: compartmentalized into tiny rectangles. Are you productive? Are you reaching your goals? Everything has the stink of corporate tech startup life on it now. You no longer have to figure out what to do with the vegetables about to become overripe in your refrigerator because there’s a company that will send you a single serving of precut zucchini in the mail. All you have to do is slowly murder the earth with unrecyclable dry ice packets, cardboard, plastic and exhaust from the planes and trucks moving these items around. But there’s no food waste happening, so you’re being efficient. God forbid some spinach wilts.
Everyone’s obsessed with the stories about that wet looking freak who drinks his son’s blood. But I think a lot of people are missing the point. Yes, it’s funny to dunk on him because he doesn’t look much younger than his actual age of 45. But vanity is not entirely why he’s doing this. He wants to run at 100% capacity. Tech people think the human body can be treated like a machine. He’ll take 30+ supplements a day, wake up at 4:30am, do the exact same fitness routine and monitor everything he ingests down to the exact calorie just so his knees don’t hurt in his 50s. I’m sure he also wants the poreless sex doll skin he has achieved but, more importantly, he wants to be shoved into a tube and have his whole body scanned so a computer can tell him that his CPU is running at optimal capacity.
Wonder and joy has ceased to exist in the world of The Efficient Life. How could you have a nice meal at a restaurant you’ve never been to before unless you accost the staff about the negative health benefits of seed oils? How could you spend time laying on a couch next to an open window reading something enjoyable when you could be participating in the horrendous 75 Hard challenge? Why have a rich and fulfilling life full of friends and interesting experiences and sex and spontaneity when you can spend two and a half months with no cheat meals, two separate 45 minute workouts, reading only self help books and chugging a gallon of water? You have one precious life and you’re supposed to spend it like you’re training for Mr. Olympia?
There’s only so much mental bandwidth a person can dedicate to these types of things before they lose who they are as a person. Someone with a personality and interests can quickly become the type of person who has to carry a shaker bottle and duffle bag everywhere with them and will say things like “You know David Goggins said...” I’m spoonfed this content because I’ve spent the last year getting working out and losing weight. I’ve lost about 75 pounds, which is no simple feat. But I didn’t have to become an apostle of any one ideal. The people making money off of these lifestyles don’t want you to know how simple it can be. For me, I made sure I did a lot of cardio, a decent amount of weight training and was mindful of what I’m eating.
There’s no money in that line of thinking though. You need their programs, their supplements, their books, their Patreon which has access to the real information. It’s not just fitness content. The same model is used across all of the Optimized Man Universe. Here’s how to make $1000 a week while sitting in your living room. Here’s which stocks to buy for the best return on investment. Here’s how to turn yourself into a brand. All you have to do is get behind the paywall and your dreams will come true.
No longer can you solely be someone who likes books, now you must become a book influencer and monetize that part of you. Any second of your day that isn’t growing your bank account or lowering your BMI is pointless. Hobbies are for the inefficient. Oh, you “love” “riding your bike” because it “feels nice”? Why don’t you grow the fuck up and strap a GoPro to your chest and do UberEats deliveries while you’re riding?
I’m not immune to any of this. Why do I know that bodybuilders prefer 97/3 ground beef for their meals even though I’ve been vegan for 16 years? Why do I know how many apps are needed to do retail arbitrage? I’m not above going Huberman Mode. Waking up early (in context to my lifestyle), getting sunlight into my eyes as soon as I can and eating the same things all the time make me feel better. But I don’t need to disrobe and self-flagellate in the middle of a monastery if I mess up and don’t do one of them.
Is life to be lived in the most efficient way possible or are we supposed to have a decent time while we’re here? Is there no room for Efficiency Sometimes? Maybe this is all a coping mechanism because I’m not as disciplined as I’d like to be. I thought I’d have rock hard abs by now but I can soothe the pain by saying life is all about having fun and letting it rip. I thought I’d have enough money to afford a bedroom with a real window but I can just say that I’m keeping my overhead low for the freedom of life as an artist.
I think the reality is that everything is a coping mechanism. Life is long and difficult and expensive. Live long enough and you’ll probably have your heart broken and go broke and get fat and then get thin (you can also reverse the order [and repeat the process as many times as you’d like]) and work a job you hate and tie yourself to a partner and a house you regret. So whatever you can do to feel a little bit better while you’re doing that is probably ok. Just don’t shout it into your phone camera and make it my problem.
There is this weird erosion of self that slowly occurs when it comes to productivity. Living in a world of tech worship leads to that optimize everything mindset. If your life is not being lived efficiently is it living at all? It's been a journey trying to rewire a lot of the thoughts that come through of feeling less than as a result of being human. Thanks for putting this into words.
Some of my favorite plant-based restaurants in London: Rudy’s dirty vegan diner, Mildred’s, Mallow, Dishoom (vegan options), Purezza, Tofu Vegan, Crosstown Donuts (the Marylebone one is fully vegan), Floozie Cookies, Vurger Co, Homeslice (vegan options), the Spread Eagle in Homerton, Ramen Impossible, Papo’s Bagels (vegan options)