Well, well, well. Look who we have here. The Bitch Is Back. I’m trying to figure out some more empty platitudes to fill this intro with but that feels like enough. Thanks for sticking around. Maybe I’ll plop another one of these out before the end of the year but who knows. Anyway, I love you and I’m going to the UK soon so let me know if there’s anything I need to check out while I’m there. Especially vintage stores and vegan restaurants.
-Mike
As soon as I open my phone, I am assaulted with videos on how to become The Optimized Man. Some tanned and vascular stranger screams at me directly through the screen with the devilish glow of a ring light in his eyes. He always has all of the answers. How many hours of sleep I should be getting. How many grams of protein I should be eating. How much natural sunlight I should be receiving. How cold my shower should be. How important journaling is. How life changing doing ketamine and ayahuasca is as long as I have the correct guide. How the only thing more important than your physical health is your mental health (they say this one through gritted teeth because they don’t believe it.) It never ends.
Every second of your day must be accounted for. Take a break from your work spreadsheets to check in on your personal spreadsheets. Your life: compartmentalized into tiny rectangles. Are you productive? Are you reaching your goals? Everything has the stink of corporate tech startup life on it now. You no longer have to figure out what to do with the vegetables about to become overripe in your refrigerator because there’s a company that will send you a single serving of precut zucchini in the mail. All you have to do is slowly murder the earth with unrecyclable dry ice packets, cardboard, plastic and exhaust from the planes and trucks moving these items around. But there’s no food waste happening, so you’re being efficient. God forbid some spinach wilts.
Everyone’s obsessed with the stories about that wet looking freak who drinks his son’s blood. But I think a lot of people are missing the point. Yes, it’s funny to dunk on him because he doesn’t look much younger than his actual age of 45. But vanity is not entirely why he’s doing this. He wants to run at 100% capacity. Tech people think the human body can be treated like a machine. He’ll take 30+ supplements a day, wake up at 4:30am, do the exact same fitness routine and monitor everything he ingests down to the exact calorie just so his knees don’t hurt in his 50s. I’m sure he also wants the poreless sex doll skin he has achieved but, more importantly, he wants to be shoved into a tube and have his whole body scanned so a computer can tell him that his CPU is running at optimal capacity.
Wonder and joy has ceased to exist in the world of The Efficient Life. How could you have a nice meal at a restaurant you’ve never been to before unless you accost the staff about the negative health benefits of seed oils? How could you spend time laying on a couch next to an open window reading something enjoyable when you could be participating in the horrendous 75 Hard challenge? Why have a rich and fulfilling life full of friends and interesting experiences and sex and spontaneity when you can spend two and a half months with no cheat meals, two separate 45 minute workouts, reading only self help books and chugging a gallon of water? You have one precious life and you’re supposed to spend it like you’re training for Mr. Olympia?
There’s only so much mental bandwidth a person can dedicate to these types of things before they lose who they are as a person. Someone with a personality and interests can quickly become the type of person who has to carry a shaker bottle and duffle bag everywhere with them and will say things like “You know David Goggins said...” I’m spoonfed this content because I’ve spent the last year getting working out and losing weight. I’ve lost about 75 pounds, which is no simple feat. But I didn’t have to become an apostle of any one ideal. The people making money off of these lifestyles don’t want you to know how simple it can be. For me, I made sure I did a lot of cardio, a decent amount of weight training and was mindful of what I’m eating.
There’s no money in that line of thinking though. You need their programs, their supplements, their books, their Patreon which has access to the real information. It’s not just fitness content. The same model is used across all of the Optimized Man Universe. Here’s how to make $1000 a week while sitting in your living room. Here’s which stocks to buy for the best return on investment. Here’s how to turn yourself into a brand. All you have to do is get behind the paywall and your dreams will come true.
No longer can you solely be someone who likes books, now you must become a book influencer and monetize that part of you. Any second of your day that isn’t growing your bank account or lowering your BMI is pointless. Hobbies are for the inefficient. Oh, you “love” “riding your bike” because it “feels nice”? Why don’t you grow the fuck up and strap a GoPro to your chest and do UberEats deliveries while you’re riding?
I’m not immune to any of this. Why do I know that bodybuilders prefer 97/3 ground beef for their meals even though I’ve been vegan for 16 years? Why do I know how many apps are needed to do retail arbitrage? I’m not above going Huberman Mode. Waking up early (in context to my lifestyle), getting sunlight into my eyes as soon as I can and eating the same things all the time make me feel better. But I don’t need to disrobe and self-flagellate in the middle of a monastery if I mess up and don’t do one of them.
Is life to be lived in the most efficient way possible or are we supposed to have a decent time while we’re here? Is there no room for Efficiency Sometimes? Maybe this is all a coping mechanism because I’m not as disciplined as I’d like to be. I thought I’d have rock hard abs by now but I can soothe the pain by saying life is all about having fun and letting it rip. I thought I’d have enough money to afford a bedroom with a real window but I can just say that I’m keeping my overhead low for the freedom of life as an artist.
I think the reality is that everything is a coping mechanism. Life is long and difficult and expensive. Live long enough and you’ll probably have your heart broken and go broke and get fat and then get thin (you can also reverse the order [and repeat the process as many times as you’d like]) and work a job you hate and tie yourself to a partner and a house you regret. So whatever you can do to feel a little bit better while you’re doing that is probably ok. Just don’t shout it into your phone camera and make it my problem.
Some things I’ve been into lately
Jeans in the summer
Nothing in this world can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and me not enjoying wearing shorts. Every June I get the bright idea that I’m going to change who I am as a person and all of a sudden be comfortable in shorts so I’ll buy a new pair. By July I’m back to shoving my sweaty legs into some Levi’s yet again. I’d rather sweat through my jeans than walk around feeling like a little boy every day in shorts and sneakers. Some people will wear a leather loafer or derby with socks that look can lean Republican On A Boat or Guy Who Says His Favorite Band Is Boygenius So He Can Get Laid very quickly so it’s best to steer clear unless you’re really fucking good looking.
Enhanced Water
You can either die a hero or live long enough to become the suburban mom you’ve always mocked. On my journey through low-and-no calorie beverages, I have ascended into the world of Enhanced Water. Growing up, we always had a pitcher of Crystal Light in the fridge. Usually raspberry. My mom’s diabetic and vaguely tried to manage our sugar intake so I grew accustomed to the aspartame taste quickly. Recently I tried to Hit The Crys again with those little packets of powder you pour into a water bottle but 1) I don’t really buy small plastic water bottles and 2) if you don’t shake them up enough you just have some fruit punch flavored scum in a bottle. This is where those bastards at Mio got their claws in me. They make a little bottle of goop you spray into a glass of water and 1) the flavor is literally just blue and 2) it has caffeine in it. I try to pretend I’m a man of taste but if something’s blue, there’s no way my ass ain’t drinking it and unfortunately I’m enhancing the shit out of my water lately.
Buying whatever I want
For the first time in my life I have a little bit of disposable income and apparently I have shifted immediately into the You Can’t Take It With You mentality. Someone mentions a book on a podcast? It’s already on the way to my house. I’m at one of my favorite vintage stores in the country (Scorpio Rising in Tacoma) and I find 4 shirts that I love? Hope there’s room in my bag for all of them. My friends and I are illegally streaming the UFC fights and I think about a delicious pizza? Order’s up, bitch. My friend is moving and selling a cool chair in their Instagram stories? That thing is gonna have my assprint welded to it within the week.
Laughing at people dressing up for Barbie
This also could’ve been called “being a hater” but that’s more of an overarching theme in my life so why not get specific? Adults wearing costumes is barely tolerable on Halloween but to get dressed up to sit in a pitch black theater is another level. I know everything is now solely done for photos but I can’t imagine the shame of having to hold your Amazon one day shipped pink cowboy hat for 2.5 hours of a movie. A guy I went to high school with posted photos of him and his girlfriend in their little outfits and afterwards posted “we hated the movie” and I’ve been using the joy I felt from seeing that to propel me through the world for weeks.
A regulation size bag of Skittles
They really knocked it out of the park with that one. Original, tropical, wild berry. Pop that son of a bitch open and enjoy.
Cutting my shirts so they fit correctly
I’m not doing this in a Tik Tok Fashion Guy Who Talks Into The Camera way but more in a Guy Standing On Stage During The Bad Brains At CBGB 1982 kind of way. Shirts are made for truly almost no body types and they’re only getting worse. Brands targeted towards men who need good fitting shirts make some of the worst dogshit you’ve ever seen in your life. Untuckit? Cuts? Buck Mason? Hit me over the head with a shovel before you see me wearing them. Don’t like a raw hem on your shirt? Oh, all of a sudden the king of England reads my newsletter. Grow a pair or buy a sewing machine.
There is this weird erosion of self that slowly occurs when it comes to productivity. Living in a world of tech worship leads to that optimize everything mindset. If your life is not being lived efficiently is it living at all? It's been a journey trying to rewire a lot of the thoughts that come through of feeling less than as a result of being human. Thanks for putting this into words.
There is this weird erosion of self that slowly occurs when it comes to productivity. Living in a world of tech worship leads to that optimize everything mindset. If your life is not being lived efficiently is it living at all? It's been a journey trying to rewire a lot of the thoughts that come through of feeling less than as a result of being human. Thanks for putting this into words.
Some of my favorite plant-based restaurants in London: Rudy’s dirty vegan diner, Mildred’s, Mallow, Dishoom (vegan options), Purezza, Tofu Vegan, Crosstown Donuts (the Marylebone one is fully vegan), Floozie Cookies, Vurger Co, Homeslice (vegan options), the Spread Eagle in Homerton, Ramen Impossible, Papo’s Bagels (vegan options)